


Gnood Gnomens (Gnome Good Omens)

by MagicShay (ShayLikesToRead), rreumer



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, But can you imagine, Crack, Gnomes, Humor, M/M, No Smut, Original Character(s), Out of Character, POV Third Person Omniscient, They're gnomes, at least all the angels and demons are, grammatical mistakes but they're intentional, if the very concept didn't make that clear, its really dumb but give it a read, more a collection of gnoneshots (gnome oneshots) than an actual plot progression, short updates because I think it's better in small doses, some snippits of a chat fic in the second chapter, they're just like.....you know....gnomes, uhhhhhhhhhh don't take this seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22105843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShayLikesToRead/pseuds/MagicShay, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rreumer/pseuds/rreumer
Summary: Have you considered, what Good Omens would be like if all the angels and demons were gnomes? Well look no further, we wrote it for you. Alongside a healthy dose of crack.(this was written due to a typo and we regret nothing)
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 17





	1. GnEden (Gnome Eden)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey welcome to this disaster, this is kind of chapter one and kind of an introduction, I'm co-writing this with my friend rey, and well you really have to read it to understand what you're getting into to be honest.

At the beginning of time, and as such the beginning of existence, there was Gnod (Gnome God). She was the Creator, the one who gives life. In one world the first beings she would have assembled from stardust and unfathomable power would be the angels. What a beautiful world that would be, creatures with gilded wings, some destined to fall, some to soar.

That’s not this world.

Though you’d be surprised at the similarities.

Gnod cupped her hands, weaving together something never seen before, crafting lives and souls and purpose, and with deep intent she made the Gnomes.  
But tragically, certain gnomes rebelled, hating the constraints put on them by Gnod, and as a consequence, were cast out.

Yeah they’re Gnomes now, welcome to Gnomens, what a mad banquet of darkness.

“Well that went down like a lead balloon.” a Snarky Gnome voice said, said voice belonged to the Gnomen Crowley, Gnomen being the name for fallen Gnomes of course. They affectionately called him Gnowley (Gnome Crowley). The situation Gnowley was discussing was his attempt to tempt humanity into Gnin (Gnome sin). 

Gnowley wormed his way around the tree of Gnowledge (Gnome Knowledge) wriggling towards Eve. “Hey psssst lady.” Gnowley hissed. “You should take a bite of that Gnapple (Gnome apple).” Eve looked up at him, shading the dappled sunlight with a dark hand, barely spotting the red and black worm.

“You mean the apple?” Eve queries.

“Yeah, the Gnapple?” Gnowley replies, “That's what I said.”

“Fuck it, the Gnapple, why should I?” Eve says, emphasizing her statement with aggressive hand motions. 

“Cruhmpchy……..” said worm magn (gnome man). 

“You make a good point.” Eve said, already reaching towards the apple. 

And with that, the gnins of humanity began, as well as a gniendship (gnome friendship) that would last centuries, maybe even more than a friendship ;) 

Gnowley turned back into his Gnomen self. His gnones (gnome bones) popped as he stretched. Aziragnome sat perched on a wall, "Gnolly, (gnome golly) did you really have to do that? They were just fine…"  
Gnowley cackled as Gnomens do, "Hehee Crumbchy……. ….. ….. …. Hey wait, didn't you have a sword that was too big for your gnody (gnome body)?"  
Aziragnome paled as Gnomes do, "Uhhh. Perhaps. Mayhaps. Probably?"  
A fierce cry erupted from the sandy dunes below them. Gnowley raised an gneyebrow (gnome eyebrow) at the scene below. Adam swung a sword flickering with flames.  
"Wasn't that yours?"  
"Maybe??????????????????????????"  
"Can you stop saying questiognmark? (gnome question mark)"  
"No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheh Hoho Aziragnome gnomed up and said HYAYH. TAKE SWARD AND HUMAN S SAIS UES OKAU GKKD I KILL NOW
> 
> So yeah,,,,,,,,,,, we'll probably update this, though not on any kind of set schedule, there won't be any cliffhangers or the like, and we don't have a set number of chapters we plan on doing, though if you want to make suggestions on certain scenes (or not scenes) you want gnomefied feel free to comment, though we obv don't have to do it. Also just wanna make it clear they're not garden gnomes, they're mythical creature gnomes, though I guess??? biblical??? who gknomes (gnome knows). OUr friend dots pointed out the typo
> 
> My family: "why would you write this??"  
> Me n ezra: "heh heh gnome funny"


	2. The Gnomeporium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash finds her way into Azira Fell's Gnome Emporium, chaos insues

Alongside the crowded streets of London, England there walked a tall figure, illuminated in the headlights of the passing cars and reflected in the bright puddles brought on by the recent rain. A sharp clicking noise followed the figure, the sound of metal hitting cobblestone, echoing with every step they took. Then, with a sudden halt the same figure can be seen in front of a shopfront, written in golden letters the name reads:

AZIRA FELL’S GNOME EMPORIUM

In fact, the figure, as they enter the shop, and remove their bulky trenchcoat and hop off of their 5 foot tall stilts, reveals themselves to be the much shorter, and much gnomier, Aziragnome. And with a smooth movement, he turns the sign from closed to opegn (gnome open).

And as it opens, a new figure approaches.

Ash looked up at the glittering letters, barely visible through the overcast sky. She couldn’t believe that she was genuinely considering entering the shop, or more accurately the ‘emporium’ she guesses. If she didn’t think it’d be really funny to take some photos to send to her friends’ group chat she wouldn’t even give it a second glance.

But she did.

And so, with an unreasonable amount of effort, Ash clasped her hand around the handle and pulled.

Nothing happened.

It was a push door.

“Great Start.” she muttered to herself, pushing the door open and hearing the telltale jingle of a bell. 

As unbeknownst to her, Aziragnome scrambled to get back into his human disguise, Ash inspected the rows upon rows of garden gnomes, they were…...interesting, to say the least, some looked new and some looked old enough to be in a museum, do museums even take gnomes? “Get a hold of yourself.” Ash said under her breath before increasing her volume to call out.

“Hello? Anyone work here?”

Ash thought she saw movement out of the corner of her eye, but when she turned all she saw were even more gnomes, though one of them seemed oddly-placed, wearing a tartan-patterned gnome hat. Shaking off her suspicion, Ash turned around searching for an employee, she wasn’t quite sure she was supposed to be here, in spite of the open sign. 

Aziragnome dashed to the back of the store while dragging his humansona, named Azira Fell, to don his skin. “Yes! Just, uh, give me a gnecond (gnome second)! Taking a gno-HUMAn- Human sized poop.” He teetered on the stilt case trying to hop into the stilts. 

While Aziragnome was otherwise distracted, and Ash, now knowing that she wasn’t breaking and entering, took out her phone to snap a picture of some gnomes to send to her friends, maybe that weird tartan angel gnome. Though as she went to find it, it was gone.

“What the fuck?” Ash questioned.

Shrugging it off, like the main characters of a horror film, Ash instead took a photo of a beach dwarf, wearing what looked to be a banana hammock, which was easily if not more horrifying than the tartan gnome. The flash of her phone camera cast unsettling shadows on the face of the beach dwarf. 

Aziragnome toddled up behind Ash, stilts clicking on the floor like high heels. “Excuuuuuse me but no photography in the Gnomeporium! I’m afraid Gney (Gnome Rey) doesn’t like that. He’s very photogenic but feels insecure right now.” 

Ash startled, almost dropping her phone but managing to catch it at the last moment. “Oh my gOD I’M SO SORRY!” the words tumbled out of her mouth in a panicked shout.  
“....you…..name your gnomes?”, Ash questioned, looking up at the man(?). Inspecting him, she noted that he was taller than her by almost a foot, but his arms, they were incredibly short, like child arms badly stapled onto a man’s body. Furthermore his legs seemed too long, and they moved strangely when he walked. 

“Oh the lads? They name themselves. I have no control over what they choose. That one over there is xX_HELLFLAME69_Xx!” The gnome in question was a darling little creature, rosy cheeks and an impish smile moulded onto it’s face.

“O-kay, yeah sure, do you….sell many gnomes here? Seems like kind of a niche business.” Ash asked, her eyes looking over his….wares.

"Sell the gnomes? Preposterous! This is their home! Ash, are you out of your mind?!” 

“Wait, how did you know my name????” 

“Uh- well.” Aziragnome panicked, “ We have, chemistry together?” He tried to bat his eyes at her, blinking miserably. 

“I don’t? Remember you being in chemistry?” Ash, at this point, was looking understandably, on edge. 

“It’s me, your old pal, Aziragn- Fell. Azira Fell.” He put on his best Mega Convincing Face.

“I’m going to pretend that that makes even a modicum of sense. Okay, so you….collect gnomes? Sure, why not.”  
“What’s your favorite gnome then?” Ash asked, looking almost like she didn’t want to know the answer. 

Aziragnome beamed, and walked towards the back of the Gnomeporium. The gnomes got progressively more dusty the further he lead her. He stopped at a shelf with only one gnome in the centre of it. “This… is Shgnay (Gnome Shay).” An exasperated looking gnome laid on it’s back in the middle of the shelf, looking up tiredly. It looks like it’s biting back a devastating remark or a dumbass pun. “My best one.”

“Honestly not what I was expecting, but….same hat.” Completely ignoring Azira’s previous instruction, Ash pulls up her phone to surreptitiously take a pic. 

Aziragnome was far too preoccupied with cooing gently at Shgnay to notice the picture-takeage. “Who’s a little buddy boy??? You are! Yooouuu are!” 

Ash pulls up Gnomecord™, to text her buds, pulling up the general chat and sending the gnome pictures with the caption “you will not believe what’s in Azira Fell’s Gnome Emporium”, followed by 18 different kinds of emojis, none of them relevant to the current situation. 

2 images sent

cutie crush: gnomes

Ash n Dust: (their names are Gney {gnome rey} , and Shgnay {gnome shay} )

Shay-king in my boots: bruh is that my gnomesona

cutie crush: the first one is literally the party gnome from gnomeo and juliet

Mars: that’s a very funky gnome. sexy.

Bald Penith: where the fuck are u and can i join

phrog: omgg is that zayn one direction O/////O 

cutie crush: YWVSY6SBNDMDK

Ash n Dust: dude this shit is wack i think i might just yeet myself outta here ttyl weird gnome dude

“Hey sooooooooooo...I think imma just leave.” Ash says, interrupting Azira, who was still cooing at the lifeless Shgnay. And with that, she pocketed her phone and left AZIRA FELL’S GNOME EMPORIUM, deciding that it was someplace she could happily never enter again, cause man, that dude was definitely a gnome in disguise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey its roy th boye(ezra)shoutout to sock cityy the discord server for providing us with all the sexy gnome commentary we needed to play ash's friends. and ash if ur reading this im so sorry we made u swear . im penith btw. 
> 
> heyyyyyyyyyy its shay, while we were writing this we learned that the pope slapped someone and doesnt that just set the mood, as well as my computer dying. this chapter is a lot longer because the other one was more of an introduction, this chapter isnt super connected to any of the others, like i said its more a collection of oneshots in the same universe


	3. Chapter 4 ((Gnistory (Gnome History))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh god oh fuck oh god oh no

If you were to perchance google who created garden gnomes, as we did research for a gnome fanfiction, you would find out that the person credited with their creation is one Phillip Gnriebel (Gnome Griebel). This, in both our universe and the Gnood Gnomens (Gnome Good Omens) Universe, is correct. Though in the latter, it wasn’t entirely by himself. 

_ [Some time in the 1800s] _

“Gnowley,” the Gnome Aziragnome starts with a disapproving air. “What are we doing in Gnermany (Gnome Germany)?”

Gnowley, with as much smug grace as a gnomen could muster, replied. “I was told by the Gnell (Gnome Hell) higher-ups to go cause trouble here but traveling by yourself fuckigng (gnome fucking) sucks.”

“What trouble could ever occur in Gnermany?” Aziragnome questioned, blissfully unaware of World War 2 because that happened in the 1900s and I bothered to look it up.

“Well that’s why I’m here! It’s a Gnomens responsibility to cause trouble.” Said Gnowley with a distinctly performative flair. 

“Gnowley you and I both know that if it weren’t for Gnell being up your gnass (Gnome Ass) you’d probably be, like, I dunno…putting produce in the dairy section. Or eating dirt.”

“HEEHUU hEY LOOK AT SOMETHING THAT ISN’T THIS CONVERSATION!” Gnowley said in increasing pitch, sprinting ahead of Aziragnome with his tiny gnegs (gnome legs). 

The aforementioned “something that isn’t this conversation” was a mustached man with salt and pepper hair leaning over a short workbench, intently molding a medium sized block of clay into a figure. Though, his attention was lost when Gnowley shouted, turning towards the short figures with a look of concern and confusion on his face, setting down his tools. 

“You are? Small men? Tiny Baby Boys? Little Small Men? Itsy Bitsy Baby Boys? Tiny Winey-” Philip Gnriebel kept going, but faltered for words.

“Gnomes, actually but close enough.” Aziragnome said matter of factly, Gnowley, in direct response pressed a small hand to his gnreast (gnome breast) and dramatically fell backwards in a faux faint.

Azirgnome sighed, put upon by the drama, as if he hadn’t been even more dramatic in the past, “ _ Excuse me _ , he’s a  _ Gnomen  _ not a Gnome.” following the clarification with a softly muttered “Like one n makes a difference.”

Philip, for his part was looking understandably wary before he paused, eyes lighted up almost manically. Grabbing his tools he worked fanatically at the vaguely-shaped block of clay.

“Uh, weird baby dude? You okay?” said Gnowley, trying to lean leisurely against a tree but since his gnegs were so short he just looked kind of constipated.

In response, Philip just began working harder, sculpting the figure to seem more squat, and shortening the limbs. 

Azirgnome leaned over to his gnomie (gnomie homie) trying and failing to whisper, “Hey, do you think he’s trying to make a Gnome?”

Since it was said basically at speaking volume (which to be fair, is considerably quieter than their usual volume), Philip Griebel replied “It will be my masterpiece!! Everyone will have one!!”

With that, he finished sculpting a tall pointed hat on top, gesturing to it with a flourish!

“BEHOLD, A GARDEN JOME!!”

"It's- uh. We're Gnomes. It's called a Gnome."

Gnowley and Aziragnome were not impressed.

**Back in the present** , Gnowley was peeking over the edge of a book Aziragnome was flipping through (The Book Was Titled  _ A Long & Exhausting History of Gnomes _ ).

“Ohhhkaaaaaay. That guy? Mm. Didn’t like him. No Gnikey (gnome likey)." Gnowley said with a scowl. In response Aziragnome vaguely swatted him. 

“You didn’t even like his gnomes back then, when did you start collecting them?”

Aziragome looked at him like he was insane, I didn’t like  _ that _ gnome, mine however, are gnovely (gnome lovely).”

“Aziragnome, you literally have that gnome in your collection.”

With that, Aziragnome threw the book he was reading at Gnowley, hitting his face with a solid thyunk, he was unharmed of course, not that you could tell from his anguished wailing.

“DARLIGNG (GNOME DARLING), LOVE OF MY LIFE, YOU HAVE GNILLED (gnome killed) ME! CORPSE-LIKE! DEAD I AM! MY GNORGANS…THEY ARE SHUTTING DOWN…gnoodbye (gnome goodbye)…..cruel….gnorld (gnome world)...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some 100% accurate history trust me it actually happened ( ´-ω･)︻┻┳══━一Σ(°△°|||) pwease bewieve me  
> Philip Griebel is a real person and the supposed creator of gnomes, also while researching for this chapter (yEAH I FUCKING RESEARCH FOR THIS FIC) I learned that there's a gnome newsletter and oh boy was I tempted to pay to become a member. (we both were).   
> enjoy babey. babey enjoy chapter mommy write for u.   
> chapter … uhh 3? 4? uhhhhhhhh hm. hmm. chapter is in works.


	4. Chapter 3 ((Gnelp Reviews (Gnome Yelp Reviews))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Yelp Reviews Chapter 2 inspired
> 
> Warning: There are some mentions of strippers which are implied to be gnomes also mentions of shitting and also a username cockgobbler 
> 
> idk who would click on this fic that would be hurt by those but good to be careful

★★★★

_ ashes _

Uh, curious shop. Interesting owner. Diverse gnome selection. A little dusty but nothing I can't handle. Downside was none of the gnomes were for sale. And the owner kept slapping my hand every time I reached for a gnome and then seeming shocked at his own actions. I don't even like gnomes that much.

★

_ Loud&Proud _

NO STARS AWFUL SERVICE, I am a professional gnome collector and while the variety was impressive NONE of the gnomes were sale, as if I need them anyways, my gnomes are FAR superior, I asked to talk the the manager and that weird guy just came back in a different wig!

  
  


★★★★★

_ stoned2abigale _

really had to take a dump, din’t have a toilet, had a gnome that rlly looked like a toilet though, worked just fine, excellent service nobody notice

reply: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOOK A DUMP IN DUMPY???

★★★★★

_ cuffedjeans _

So let's give some context, there’s this creep Rudy? I think? Anyways he likes to follow me home from my job like somehow that’s going to convince me to date him (as if I’m not the gayest motherfucker on earth) anyways one day he was being especially persistent and I was worried I was gonna get like, shoved into a particularly gauche white van and nobody would see my gay ass ever again. Back on topic I was like?? Gotta get away from this bitch?? And I yeeted myself through the nearest storefront, which I later learned was this fucking clusterfuck as an establishment. Anyways the guy there (Azira Fell??) was really fucking chill, so was his goth boytoy, def not human tho they were trying but I’m pretty sure they fucking murdered Rudy after I told them what was up so like 5 stars would come again, not sure abt all the gnomes tho. 

★

_ neverbeenthere _

Never been there.

★★ 

_ Elmer P. _

weird theme for a strip club. strippers still hot tho.

reply: where the fuck did you go?? cause it wasn't the gnomeporium.

reply: oh no it absolutely was 

★★★

_ WelcomeToTheBoneZone _

Saw the owner at my highschool?definitely not a high school student? No idea why he was there but an absolute riot

★★★★

_ BruisedBanana _

Once heard this guy muttering to himself about a humansona? Kind of concerned, also he had like a worm on a string hanging off his head but I can respect the aesthetic.

★★★

_ IFUCKINGLOVEGINGERALE _

There do be gnomes tho

★

_ GarfieldEATS _

Me and my husband LOVE this Olive Garden, it’s where he proposed to me after our 69th date there, ever since he tied the knot (THE GARLIC KNOT THAT IS I’M VERY FUNNY), [break for sneeze], every time I get the “oh god why” lasagna and it's a blast, reminds me of garfield! The orange cat everyone loves (I have 3 cats named after him at home). Anyways would totally recommend you give it a try!

★★★

_ MistwerObama _

(begin roleplay owo) "hAS anyone seen ym FUCKING PANTS" i, milo gnomebag spanky kevin gub-gub, say when i stumble into the bar. my gnome pants are missing. where the fuck did they go. (end roleplay uwu feel free to jwoin in) 

reply: hey, uh, bud? what the fuck.

Reply: (begin roleplay) I Dave Gnomeson look askance as the pantsless gnome, I, a much more distinguished gnome question it’s actions “Have you checked your legs?” (End roleplay)

★

_ cockgobbler _

Ever since I was a wee lad, I've been paralysingly afraid of Gnomes. I didn't know this was a Gnome Emporium. I thought it was a Home Emporium. I left and shortly had to call an ambulance for myself. Thanks. Looking forward to the lawsuit.

★★

_ MITACO _

I went on a date and walked in, it was a crisp autumn evening and all was well until it was time to eat, tacos, delicious tacos. I couldn’t control myself or my love for the delicious Mexican delicacy so I ran into Taco Bell and embraced every meal in sight on impulse. It was beefy. She was repulsed but my love for tacos was satisfied. Honestly, I don’t know if I could ever be with someone who doesn’t wanna watch me strip down to my tank top and eat tacos by the dozen. Turns out I was eating gnomes. live mas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rate this chapter 4 and 1/2 stars


	5. Chapter 25 - A Gnome For The Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I appear from the aether to bestow upon you a gnome christmas chapter that’s like way too close to the santa clause

Soft wet snow fell upon the streets of london, some call it snow, other people, may perhaps, call it rain.  
  
Because that’s what it is.   
  
The pitter-patter of not-snow thudded against the roof of Azira Fell’s Gnome Emporium, while inside Aziragnome and Gnowley sat in soft armchairs holding a very normal conversation.   
  
“Zira it’s very important to for me to gnow (gnome know) whether or not you’d fuck Santa Claus.”   
  
…

“Well, Gnowley, he is very handsome.”  
  
“Haha I’m totally not going to internalize this.” 

* * *

  
  
The North Pole: 3 Hours Later   
  
Gnowley stood out like a sore thumb, a faint smudge of black amongst the otherwise pristine white expanse of ice and snow, or perhaps...not-rain. His snakeskin boots making soft crunching sounds as they sunk almost to the top of the boot with each step, leaving a pretty telling track of footprints behind him.

In front of him, laid what he was looking for, a rounded cylinder striped red and white, like a candy cane. On this pole is a keypad, said keypad requires a code, a code that Gnowley does not have. Luckily, there is a very conveniently placed back door, in the middle of the north pole.  
  
With a quick jiggle of the knob it quickly became clear to Gnowley that it was unlocked, and just like that, he was in. 

Sticking close to the walls Gnowley snuck around Santa’s workshop, ignoring the charming piles of toys and the concerning number of Playstation 5’s. Gnowley only had eyes for the big man himself, Saint Nick. 

And there he stood, with his long white beard, red, fur-trimmed suit, and with a belly that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly.

_“I could never compare to that_ .” Gnowley thought to himself, “ _my belly is more like a loose pile of geese (gnome geese) than jelly”_

Before he could travel down that frankly strange train of thought, Gnowley was called tf out.  
  
“Ho Ho Ho, are you an elf? No no you can’t be, all of my elves are preps, you are very clearly a punk.”

Gnowley jolted, his little legs twitching with the sudden to run, no, he had to do this, he couldn’t bear the competition.

“How can I help you little man?”  
  
“Well,,,uhhh i have a

…..christmas request

………………………….for christmas.” Gnowley said, eyes wide, like concerningly so.

“Ohohoho you could have just written but if you’ve been good i’m sure it’s doable!” Santa said goodnaturedly.

“Welllll if its possible could you maybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“Die?” and with that Gnowley pulled a fucking glock and shot Santa point blank in the chest.

With a wet sounding cough, Santa only had the breath to say one thing “why?”

“Because my gnome boyfriend wants to fuck you.”

* * *

  
  


“So...Gnowley?” Asked Aziragnome, feet propped up on a small stool while flipping through a book on garden gnomes.

“Yes Aziragnome?” Gnowley said vaguely looking up from the lighter flame he was staring into.

“Where did that red stain on your jacket come from?”

  
With that, Gnowley startled and removed his jacket as quickly as possible and tossed it across the room, landing on top of poor xX_HELLFLAME69_Xx.

…

“What jacket? I’ve never had a jacket in my life.” Gnowley blinked innocently, completely undercut by the newly revealed blood stains on his shirt.

“...”

The silence in the room was palatable, even more unbearable considering that the rainstorm had passed. Aziragnome has a nose for mischief (being a gnome) and could smell Gnowley’s lies from a mile off.

“So...dear, who did you kill?”

Gnowley scuffed his shoe against the floor guiltily, looking everywhere but at Aziragnome,

“Santa Claus”

Aziragnome sighed, but in such a way that said he somewhat expected this which is really weird how would this scenario be something you expect. 

“With the glock?”

Gnowley nodded, and almost before the motion was finished Aziragnome had grabbed his coat and stilts.

“There is chaos to be had.” And just like that Aziragnome grabbed Gnowley by the hand, this, of course immediately went wrong and gnowley, who had been attempting to do something else at the same time crashed into Aziragnome and as a tragic consequence the stilts were broken.

“Fuck.”

Now sitting on the floor, the Gnome and Gnomen stared blankly at eachother for a moment, the confusion on both of their faces evident, Aziragnome was picking at the splinters littered around him. Finally, Gnowley lost the vacant look in his eyes, “What were you going to do?”

Aziragnome muttered something unintelligible “mnmnmnbmgrn”

Gnowley continued to stare at him.  
“Fine, I was thinking that, I could impersonate Santa Claus, since you gnow (gnome know) Christmas still needs to happen.”

“Well…...we still could.” Gnowley said, his eyes bright.

“HOW?! We just broke all our stilts! We’re supposed to be Santa, not his elves!!!!” Aziragnome stood rapidly, gesturing wildly for emphasis. 

Gnowley leaned forward, practically nose-to-nose with Aziragnome, before almost quicker than visible he climbed onto Aziragnome’s shoulders, standing up tall.  
  
“What, are you gnoing (gnome doing)?”

“You fool!!!! Who needs stilts!!!!”

And suddenly it became apparent exactly what Gnowley was trying to convey, they would _both_ be Santa, one atop the other, like children in a trenchcoat. 

“Gnoly Shit”

“We’re gonna save Christmas a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶u̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶t̶”

They quickly put a trenchcoat on in order to race to the store to buy a santa costume, and let me tell you, boy did it look bad. Then with a speed unbefitting two gnomes in a Santa costume, they raced to the north pole, entering through the backdoor, still unlocked. Which they should really fix someone could get hurt. And as they stagger in, they’re met with,

A fuckton of elves, pointy hats, pointy ears, pointy shoes,

And their knives are pretty pointy too.

A high and nasally voice rang clearly from the throng of armed elves, though which elf was speaking was unclear, “We’ve gone down this rodeo before, some schmuck kills Santa then comes walzing in just to _fuck up_ our operations with their ideas and we’re SICK of it, fuck Santa Claus this is an employee owned operation and if you don’t get ur gnome-looking asses outta here in the next 5 seconds you’re going down in the same way you put Santa down.”

Aziragnome felt something pointy press against his side through the suit, with a quick glance it was revealed to be a candy cane, sharpened to a point.

There were a few moments of silence (but not 5 seconds worth) before Gnowley and Aziragnome slowly backed out of the building, still atop one another.

Once out in the freezing cold once again they looked at each other with a similar sentiment in their eyes,

_What the fuck just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my qp partner Rubin for bullying me into writing this you can blame this on her.  
> The writing style on this is different because Ezra didn't co-write this one i hope that it's still funny khvgjyc


End file.
